I'm Back! ...and I have a problem.

2010-07-07T00:35:00.001-07:00

Ladies, I have a serious problem. More serious than open-toed shoes in a court room. More serious than white after Labor Day. Possibly more serious than harem pants. (Yes. It's that serious.) It is affecting my personal life, my relationships, and even beginning to affect my professional life.

I am too subtle.

I know, I know. I can already hear your horrified outcries. How can I, a female, ever be too subtle? That's like saying I am too passive. Too pretty. Too willing to change everything about my personality to please my mate! (What next? A suggestion that I dress for myself, and not to entice men - and make Other Women jealous? Goodness!)

Unfortunately, ladies, I think it is true. Somehow I have lost my ability to get my point across to men I do not want to date.

Hold it right there. Did I just say "men I do not want to date"?

That's right, ladies. Men I do not want to date. As much as I advocate dating a man a few times (even if it means quashing that Little Voice in your head - you know, the one that whimpers things like "he might be a rapist," and "if he's such a great guy, why did he blindfold you before letting you in his car?" and "his living room smells like dead prostitute") there are men that I simply cannot continue seeing. This might happen for a number of reasons. Perhaps his personal hygiene leaves something to be desired. He might be married. There have even been the odd occasions when he has driven (wait for it...) a station wagon. (I KNOW! What is a girl to do?)

Whatever the reason...sometimes in the dating world, you have to cut a guy loose. Gently, kindly, and preferably with a blow job (his ego will need soothing following the loss of you, amirite?), but it has to happen. Usually it is quick and largely painless. You tell him you are not interested for reasons X, Y, and Z and send him on his way. If he is the sensitive type you might tell a little white lie and claim that you have contracted some life-threatening, highly contagious disease, or you might give him the "it's not you, it's me," speech. You know, the one that we were taught during those middle-school Just For Girls health classes? That's the one, ladies. If all goes well, the two of you part ways as friends and you can proceed to date his big brother (or that cute business partner he introduced you to at your engagement party! THRILL!) without guilt.

Sometimes, though, a guy just Doesn't Get It. You tell him you want out, but he keeps calling. Or he texts you. Or he drops by unannounced with a bottle of wine and a ball gag...while your parents are visiting for the weekend. You deal with is as best you can for a while. You screen his calls, delete his texts, tell your family that your nearest neighbors are caretakers for a slightly deranged relative who has recently been cheeking his pills. And you try to move on with your life.

Except he still doesn't seem to grasp that you are not kidding. He gets more insistent. You begin to get angry - and what lady wants to be reduced to shouting at a man? Certainly not your (not-so) faithful blogger!

I have tried saying no. I have tried inventing boyfriends with large muscles and short tempers. I have even tried lighting small fires in and around his home and leaving threatening notes by the burn sites. Nothing has worked!

Ladies, I need help. I need ideas. I need...a bodyguard. A sexy bodyguard with a dark, sordid past who only needs the love of a good woman to set him straight. (I'd prefer one with a trust fund, thanks!) Daydreams aside, what do you do to run a guy off? Should I try feminist rhetoric? Should I stop shaving my legs (and...more delicate parts)? Help a girl out, would you?

The Reason You're Single: A Nice Guy Proposal

2009-10-06T23:46:00.000-07:00

Ladies,

If you're here, it's probably because you're single. And if you're single you're probably wondering why (and I don't blame you). You're a lovely, intelligent, well dressed girl - there has to be a reason you're unattached. You're right; there is a reason. A dangerous, insidious, pervasive cultural abnormality that has been insinuating itself into our lives for decades. Feminism.

Oh, don't misunderstand me, feminism did us a lot of good for a time, but now let's get real. Feminism has run its course. We're in the twenty first century and women are no longer dealing with rape, sexual harassment, or wage gaps. (And the ones who are were probably asking for it by walking alone at night, wearing low cut tops, or having babies when they should have been working late.)

So ladies, I propose that we all take a step back, assess, and then admit to ourselves that secretly we all long for men to accost us. We love for them to treat us like second class citizens. We feel unattractive if we're not called "sweetheart" or "angel tits" in the office. Men are doing us a service by hitting on us, and we have been unfairly cruel to them! We have not dated every man who asked. We have flaunted ourselves in cute clothes and then not put out. Worst of all, we have not gone out of our way to be kind to that special breed of male: The Nice Guy.

There are websites everywhere mocking Nice Guys. You know those sites: they are needlessly inflammatory and make outrageous statements like "women are not obligated to have sex with you." They reinforce the lunatic idea that women are individuals with unique likes, dislikes, and personalities. The writers behind these sites are undoubtedly Women Of A Certain Age who have ceased to be interesting to most men, and are lashing out. They are a special breed of woman who will never be satisfied: they are feminists.

I was recently lucky enough to have a very Nice Guy explain why feminism is outdated, out modded, and about as stylish as a knock-off purse. Feminism has, it turns out, gone from being a beacon of hope and equality for women to being a haven for man-haters who still believe that short skirts are not an excuse for rape! Luckily for me, there was a big, strong Nice Guy to tell me all about it...otherwise, I might never have known.

Feminism damages women. It tells us that we are worthwhile human beings. It tells us that we deserve equal rights, equal respect, and that we should be able to have a drink out with our girlfriends without worrying that someone will slip us something. Worse still is what it does to men by implying that being male in society has privileges. Certainly we are past the times of glass ceilings, and women need to accept that if they are not being promoted it is because employers recognize that females have biological clocks that mirror time-bombs. Who wants a VP who is competent on Monday and pregnant on Thursday morning? It's hard enough to be a man in our society without this myth that women deserve a level playing field!

Feminism also seems to have convinced women everywhere that dating is a choice. As we all know, that is false. Women owe men time and attention, and feminism is detracting from that. Somewhere along the line we developed the idea that we should only date men we enjoy! (Can you believe it?) In fact, we should be dating men who make us vaguely uncomfortable. Men who make us feel a little on edge. Men who might set off a few warning bells in our brains. Those are the men who will challenge us. Who will teach us. Who will help us grow. Who will impregnate us against our will in dark alleys and then tell everyone we were cock teases!

Ladies, feminism is a thing of the past and it's time to get over it. So get out there. Date a Nice Guy. Learn why your thoughts and opinions are invalid. Find new and exciting reasons to embrace the culture of male superiority and give up on your crazy beliefs that you might have some purpose beyond incubating the future generation.You'll be glad you did. (And so will he. Nightly.)

And stay tuned for more posts on meeting, snagging and holding onto your very own Nice Guy!

Sincerely,
S.M.

Feminism Is the Reason You're Single

I'm Back! ...and I have a problem.

The Reason You're Single: A Nice Guy Proposal